Sunday, June 23, 2013

The Idiot's Notes

    Happiness is the death of creativity.  Or maybe just in youth.  I sometimes fear I put myself in the way of pain, torment and unrest because I think I am suppose to.  Because I need to, because I believe that is where I belong.
    I have no shortage of ways to make myself unhappy.  My mind and emotions can turn a few days of calm into a crisis.  I can see the ugliness in everything.  I can discover doubt and mistrust where there is no logical reason to be.  And I can hide it so well.
    I wonder what I would have become if I did not write.  If I had never found a way to release what I keep buried away.  I’m sometimes afraid to post, afraid those I want to cling to will read and run.  Other times, I want to shove it in someone’s nose, and hope I’ll be accepted, loved, cherished, and nurtured despite the darkness.
    But days like today my limbs grow as heavy as my heart as I believe I’m still the same idiot who scribbled in those notebooks all alone, so long ago.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Swell

    With a change of the wind, the storm pulls you out to sea.  What was at first a rebirth rapidly becomes something else.  Something worse.  A vicious reopening of new wounds on already scarred flesh.
    Why do we do this?  Why do we dream?  If there is a god how could he be so cruel to give me the heart and mind he did?
    I’d pay money to be stupid.  I’d give a limb to not feel such emotion.  We are the cursed race, humans.  With all the power to create, love, feel, but not the ability to stop it from being torn apart.
    I am a fool.  I always was.  Back to drifting.  It’s easier to die at sea than to swim for shore.

How It Would Go

    “There is no certainty.  You can’t plan something like this.  You just have to act.  We just have to move and see where it takes us.”
    “I’m not like that.  I’m not like you.  I can’t do this.”
    “There is no can’t.  Will or won’t.  Let go of what wasn’t working, give in to the new.”
    “It isn’t that easy.  Nothing is easy.  You say it and it sounds beautiful, but that isn’t how it works.  I have to figure out the path.”
    “There isn’t figuring anything out like these.  We just rot away.  I’m festering like an open wound.  I have to act, the waiting is killing me.”
    “Killing you?  You’re so dramatic.”
    “Maybe.  But that’s how I feel.  Like I’m being torn apart from the inside out.  I’ve been here before, and I don’t want to stay still until I go mad.”
    “I can’t go in blind.  You want things I can’t give you.  You want a life I’m not ready for.”
    “You don’t know what I want.”
    “I do.  I get it.  I see through you.”
    “You’ve said that before.  Part of me wishes it was true.  But if it is, you know the pain I’m in now, and you don’t care.”
    “I do care.”
    “Then act!  Then leap.  Run to what you allude you want.”
    “I can’t.”
    “Don’t say that.  You can!  You can choose.  It really comes down to yes or no.  Fight for it, fight for me, or leave.”
    “I can’t.”
    “Stop that!  Don’t you get it?  There is no rulebook.  There is no more should or shouldn’t.  There’s just us.”
    “I’m sorry.”
    “Why are you sorry?”
    “I can’t.”
    “I love you.”
    “...”
    “...”
    “I can’t.”

Monday, June 3, 2013

Sleepless

            My mind a haze, and it is clear I do not sleep anymore.  Everything is messy.  I see it everywhere I look, burying all of us in the nonsense.  Money, career, status, it is all a disease.  A plague upon your time and heart until you are no longer you, but who you’ve been convinced you should be.
I don’t know who I should be, anymore.  I’ve been trying to shake off the shackles of expectation, and figure it out.  And though I’m far from discovering everything I need to, I have discovered that I am meant to love.  
It may sound trite and obvious, but it isn’t.  Many of us do not love.  We take a pale comparison and kill off the parts of our hearts that cry out for more.  It’s easier that way.  If you’ve ever felt the full force of your heart and lost, you know it is safer.  A pain that shatters you into a thousand fragments, beyond repair, beyond hope, you think you’ll find something to make do, you’ll pour your energy into something else besides your heart, for it is lost.
But it isn’t.  The years go by, and you get used to it just being you.  You think you’re happy.  Or as happy as you can be with the path you’ve decided on.  And then, without a warning, joy and pain swirl together in a whirlwind of blood and tears.  A storm of emotion and confusion.  But this new storm is an important one.  A phoenix cannot be reborn without the fire, so too a heart cannot be reborn without the storm.
Between the ghosts of the past and the issues of the present, it’s at times hard to feel grateful.  Yet I do.  For the first time in years I believe it better to be alive and in pain, than dead and calm, in my heart.
            Life is still a mess.  I guess it always will be.  But I’d rather hunt the moments than the expectations.  If I can find a place where we can just be, in the quietest of nights, and listen to our hearts singing together, happiness will be at hand, always.  To love again, to be loved.  Hopes.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

A Knight's Vindication pt iii

     She moaned with previously unknown pleasure, beneath the gray eyed man. He thrust into her with intent and passion. Her gaze never met his, instead her eyes rolled back, into the oblivion of sexual ecstasy.
     “Jaren,” She cried his name as she reached for his face. He grabbed her hand away, pinning it behind her head as he dragged up her other arm. She cried out in lust as he pushed ever into to her. Deeper than she had ever known, with vigor and intensity all new to her.
     He gasped as he reach conclusion, and they kissed. Tongues dancing together, he wrapped arm around her waist to draw her nearer. For a time, they lay there together, in the afterglow, the beautiful moment afterwards where there is no other world.
     “I have to go,” he finally murmured as he stood. Piece by piece, he dressed himself. A mixture of cloth and armor was adorn, and he looked back at her before as he reached the door to leave.
     “When will you be back?” She asked, an air of desire and fear mixing in her voice.
     “That I don’t know.” He left the home and strode out onto the street. Two hooded soldiers awaited him, and fell into stride as he progressed away from the homestead. Their pace was steady, but not rushed.
     “I think it’s time we left this town, Lord. The capital is expecting us.” Jaren paused as his companion spoke, and looked down into the bay. The port was teeming with ships and travellers, evidence of a flourishing community. The sun shone bright and warm, and on the wind were the sounds of merchants calling, children playing, and people laughing. Jaren continued to stare out, silently. His guardsmen shifted uncomfortably, awaiting their Knight Commander’s response.
     “You’re right. We don’t belong here.” The three continued on their way toward the bay.
     “Jaren!” a man’s voice sounded behind him. The knight and his companions turned, hands at their swords. In the street behind them stood a peasant man. He glared with bold defiance, despite the trembling of his limbs as he faced down the three warriors. He pointed at the gray eyed man as a crowd began to gather around them. “That’s my wife you took! My love! You had no right!”
     Jaren turned and continued down the path away from the screaming man, and his companions followed. But as they walked a rock pounded against the back of Jaren’s shoulder. In a flash, his guardsmen turned, blades unsheathed.
     “Hold,” the gray eyed man said, turning slowly to look back again at his attacker. The peasant man still stood where he had been. The swarm of onlookers grew ever larger, crowding the streets behind him.
     Those piercing gray eyes narrowed, and Jaren tread back toward the man in the street. He halted a few paces away, and the two stood stood in silence. Jaren’s eyes took in everything, the man’s bloodshot eyes, the quivering of building rage in his shoulders, the large rock clutched in his hand.
     “Do it,” Jaren commanded. The peasant man lunged forward, swinging the rock high, towards the head of the man he hated. Jaren caught the man’s wrist in his hand, and took the man’s throat with the other. The man struggled to break free, but the knight was stronger, and held him there as if without effort. Jaren held him there, looking at his face , until his captive surrendered and stopped struggling. Then, like a child bored with a toy, he pushed the man back into the dirt, turned, and began to walk back to his guardsmen.
     Yet he was stopped in his tracks by the sound that erupted behind him, and he turned again to look upon the peasant. Lying in the dirt, the man’s body shook with loud, violent sobs. Sobs of pain, rage, grief. Of despair that no one else could know. But Jaren did know. The cries echoed in him, rang through his soul just as they had when they had come from him, a very long time ago.
     “I’ll kill you! I’ll find you, one day! I’ll make this right!,” the man wiped dust and tears from his eyes as he screamed at the knight. Jaren’s face was blank, empty, as we walked back toward the man. He drew his sword, and the man scrambled to his feet. Jaren watched as the man tried to run, but the crowd blocked him, pushing hin once again into the dirt. They knew better than to anger noble lords. Better to let this man die now than have their homes torn apart in the pursuit.
     “I will kill you. I will. I will...” The man whimpered repeatedly as he lay in the shadow of the armed knight. His eyes shut tight, he waited, cried, and continued to make the vow he could certainly never keep.
     Jaren lifted his blade, and listened to the silence as he stood poised to strike. Then, the gasp of the crowd as he plunged it down. He turned once more, looking back to his stunned companions.
     “Do it.” Barely a whisper.
     “My Lord! No!” The warnings of his guards were unnecessary. He knew without seeing. The peasant man stood, pulled the sword from the dirt where Jaren had left it, and ran it through the gray eyed man’s back.
     Jaren stared at the blade, erupted from his chest. With a cough of a laugh, he fell to his knees. He listened to the world he was leaving, the cackling of his killer, the clang of blades, the thud of a body hitting the ground behind him, all swirling with the screams of the crowd.
     Blood seeped forth between his teeth, dribbling out of his smile and down his chin. His vision faded to darkness, and as the yelling of the masses broke his ears, he thought of another crowd, and the death before it. He imagined for his final moment he was dying before the same congregation.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Given To The Sea

     The knife digs into my flesh. It seeks the darkness, the rot. Cut it out. Cut it out and you will be whole again. If only.
     The ground is unsteady beneath me. I find myself in a place I’d never thought I’d be, on the side of a line I never intended to cross. Yet part of me is sure of the choices that led me here. A selfish part, yes. The strongest part, certainly.
     Life is messy, life is complicated. All we can do is seek to know our hearts, our desires, and act from there. So many things that should bring peace don’t. Loneliness with a close person, despair in the face of a content life, love despite the risk of pain.
     When a storm blows through our lives, we must scramble for dry land. We can’t salvage a thing as the winds and waters rage, or we risk ourselves. Find safety and security, find where to rebuild, and then we can decide what is worth saving, and what should be left as wreckage.
     We all hurt, ourselves and others. Acting blind never got us anything. I’ll try to calm my heart before I act again.
     Easier said than done.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Make A Deal

      So grateful to no longer be numb. Kind of. Numb was easy, simple. But I’ve been woken up. Everything is so beautiful. Everything is so terrifying.
      How can I never know how I got here? How can you praise me for being so aware and insightful when I haven’t a clue what is happening to me right now? If every can in a paint store exploded, it would look as my heart feels now. Crazy, colorful, messy, exciting. So much better than the stale grey of before, but so much more complicated.
      I feel lost, but I have a bearing. You, a beacon to safety, security, peace. My north star, guiding the ship of my soul home. You are home. Such peace I feel as I hold you. Peace I’d forgotten existed, or maybe never known. Yet my ship is adrift. No sail or paddle to take me to you. I lie upon the deck, staring at heaven, waiting for my star to fall to me.
       Can I pluck you from your celestial throne and not ruin you? I scare you, and I should. I’ve been dirty, foolish, worthless. Nothing like the man you make me want to be. Nothing like the man you deserve.
      Did I lose my own beauty? I fear I pissed it away in my grief and rage. I’m so scared you’ll finally see me as a shell of what you perceive. I play so confident, I play so strong so very well. If only you knew how often I cried for no reason at all.
      And somehow I know that doesn’t scare you. It’s none of the things about me that scare you. You’ve scared yourself. Your worries are in so many ways a mirror of my own. And I begin to wonder if my north star is an ocean, so far away, upon which a lonely soul is sailing.
      I drift, I wait. Someday soon this space between us must close. Or become forever insurmountable. Yet another terror. A fear that will keep me up tonight. Every night, until I know. And maybe beyond.
      Let’s make a deal? You’ll kiss my tears and I’ll kill the spiders? I’ll learn to fly to find you, but you’ll have to meet me halfway.