I really didn't want to make this blog the same depressing ramble that my last one was, but no one reads this anyway, so I will ramble if I want.
Life is a haze. I wonder if anyone really knows what they are doing. Today, I looked at my life and found myself both shocked and depressed. Value and direction seem to fade, and I struggle for something to cling to. I don't understand myself, or those nearest to me, yet I find myself pretending to everyday. I may be the most pretentious person I know. I may be the most pitiful person I know.
I don't know what I want. I want to love, and to be loved, but I doubt I really know what that means. I fear being wounded, yet I know I already am. I believe I have been stuck in the same cycle I always have been, I just managed to stretch it out to the point that I could not recognize it.
I feel hopeless, I feel pointless. I feel worthless, though I don't understand worth. I find myself wondering about those I once shared these thoughts with, knowing that I will never know.
I don't think I have ever invested in myself, and it is pathetic. I desire to accomplish something so badly, but can't think of anything I would consider an accomplishment.
I think I hate myself.
I think I have always hated myself. Sometimes I say things and instantly know I would despise someone else for saying them. So often I am ashamed in my own skin. All resolve I have had seems to dispel in the face of sloth, because I am not worth it.
Personal heartbreak and tragedy don't surprise me like I wish they did.
I am lost in the fog. I am alone. Are we all alone? Have I ever not been?
you are not worthless. You are intelligent, interesting and can be very kind and generous. All traits that are overflowing with worth.
ReplyDeleteno one is perfect and no one ever will be.