Never Just Disappear

    Most days, everything is fine.  These days chain into weeks, and I pass through them without incident.  Then, something random and unexpected will trigger it again.  That fearsome wound inside of me, the damage I can’t fully shake.  I still love her, I always will.
    The scars are already so thick on my heart, I know they let nothing else in.  I come across as empty, aloof, perhaps uncaring, but days like today show me I am still marinating in my pain.  I viciously flip from wanting to find someone to hold me, to wanting to disappear and be alone forever.
    I think of her laugh, her expressions, all the tiny things I adored.  I think of the hurt, her willful desecration of my heart, and her self destruction.  I know I will never be rid of her.  She will occupy forever a place in me.  
    I know they say, is better to have loved and lost.  I know I loved.  Deeper, truer, stronger than I thought I could.  I endured, I fought in the face of betrayal, with only further agony as reward.  I proved to myself that I could love her as she deserved.  Yet sadly, she could not love or respect me in the same way.
    For that I am wounded.  For that I am scarred.  For that I wonder what will become of me.  I feel so lost in the wind.