Burnout

    The certainty that remains, I have no idea what I want.  I suppose it is actually that I have too many ideas, none of which dominate the others.  My moods and dreams shift and sway like a turbulent tide of the mind.  Things never settle in here.
    Some nights, I just want to burn away what remains of my youth.  In an explosion of passion and delirium, go out in the night.  Let a frenzy of lust, music and drugs overtake me, carry me to a high there is no coming back from.  Die amongst the faceless masses in blissful ignorance of any higher issue of life.  Perhaps the most peaceful life and end, in dark and primal way.  No struggle with right or wrong, with obligation or duty.  Just the pursuit of pleasure until there is no more.
    Then, instead, I want to be a scholar.  A man revered for thought and intellect.  Sitting in a study, pouring myself into the latest novel, a story that will outlive me.  Words that will move and influence far past the mortal shell.  I’ll be read by millions of soul, impact their lives, shape the future.  Bring this petty and disgusting race one step closer to enlightenment.  Push the limits of understanding, make us more than what we are today.
    Even the standard dream has appeal.  The wife and kids in the burbs.  The love and personal affection of a family.  Holiday dinners, sports games, dispensing fatherly advice and making love to the same woman each night.  To have a bride that doesn’t betray, a love that lasts.  To know the simple bliss of love and lineage.
    At the end of every day though, I’m too tired to dream.  My head hurts and all I really want is a sleep that never ends.  All roads lead to oblivion.