The night had many turns in conversation. From 90’s sitcoms, to mexican fashion, to rape and to heartbreak. It was at times whimsical, and at others absolutely depressing. Yet I’m glad it happened exactly as it did.
The past cannot be undone, I cannot save myself from pain felt, I won’t fall for the same joyous yet ultimately painful mistakes. I will never be able to make anyone feel things they do not already feel on some level.
I miss cigarettes, and being a smoker. Many other quitters say they now hate the taste of tobacco, that they now have no desire for it, or it makes them sick. I, however, miss it. I love the taste, the feeling of drawing it in, dispersing it into me. I know why I shouldn’t, why I don’t the majority of nights, but it is a longing I’ll never be rid of.
Somehow tonight I realized much of our past is like this. Damaging, unhealthy things we still find ourselves craving, tempting, perhaps even irresistible. We may will ourselves to never again partake, to not retrace our steps, but some level of addiction remains, hangs over us like a cloud, shadows our lives forever.
Perhaps I should be back in counselling like others tell me. I’m sure some good would come of it. Still, the better option to me still seems escape. Break away from the known, cause only in the unknown will I find passion for life again.
If you could only read the writings I don’t have the courage to post. Honesty and deprecation mix together until they are inseparable.
Life seems to sour, yet if there were a reset button, if we had to start life anew, face things again as if for the first time and see what would be, I’d do it. I strive to be open to the future, and to possibility.
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