Dear X

Dear X,
     I don't know the point of this letter, or even if I'll ever mail it. What I do know is I hurt. I hurt everyday, I often feel broken and worthless, and I want you to know.
     It's not that I want your pity or apologies, because I don't. Before you ran away, you told me you knew I'd be ok. You said I was so strong and good and you knew I'd make it. That is why I want you to know. I don't want you to deflect, excuse or ignore what you did to me .
     There is a hole in me now, and it isn't even an X shaped hole. It's just a gap, an empty chasm where peace used to be. That, more than anything, is what you took when you left. Worse than the lies and infidelity, worse than the loneliness. You were seemingly the source of peace for me. I was content like I've never known before or since when you loved me. I understand that it's within me, but can't bring it out.
     Loving you gave me purpose, and being loved made me feel chosen for the first time. I was more grateful than I could ever express, and poured too much into you. I made myself guardian of your dreams, but your dreams changed.
     So go live your life, and I'll live mine. But don't belittle my hurt, don't dismiss my struggle. I'm not ok, but I think I've found a way to be ok with that.
   

     Love, still, always,
     Y