This Everlasting Fog

     I really didn't want to make this blog the same depressing ramble that my last one was, but no one reads this anyway, so I will ramble if I want.

     Life is a haze.  I wonder if anyone really knows what they are doing.  Today, I looked at my life and found myself both shocked and depressed.  Value and direction seem to fade, and I struggle for something to cling to.  I don't understand myself, or those nearest to me, yet I find myself pretending to everyday.  I may be the most pretentious person I know.  I may be the most pitiful person I know. 
      I don't know what I want.  I want to love, and to be loved, but I doubt I really know what that means.  I fear being wounded, yet I know I already am.  I believe I have been stuck in the same cycle I always have been, I just managed to stretch it out to the point that I could not recognize it.
      I feel hopeless, I feel pointless.  I feel worthless, though I don't understand worth.  I find myself wondering about those I once shared these thoughts with, knowing that I will never know.
      I don't think I have ever invested in myself, and it is pathetic.  I desire to accomplish something so badly, but can't think of anything I would consider an accomplishment.

     I think I hate myself.

     I think I have always hated myself.  Sometimes I say things and instantly know I would despise someone else for saying them.  So often I am ashamed in my own skin.  All resolve I have had seems to dispel in the face of sloth, because I am not worth it.
     Personal heartbreak and tragedy don't surprise me like I wish they did.
     I am lost in the fog.  I am alone.  Are we all alone?  Have I ever not been?  

Sammu the Unfortunate

      Sammu rarely awoke early. Rarer still was the morning he would stay awake, having woken early. But this morning felt different to Sammu. The air was sweet, the sky seemed brighter, and everything within him seemed to push him up and out of bed.

      As he splashed water on his face from the washbasin, Sammu considered what might be different this morning. There was nothing he felt he had neglected to do of late, in fact there had been very little of anything to do. His days had been long and dull lately, and filled mostly with drink and dice. Why then did today feel so extraordinarily special?

      He strapped on his sandals and decided to head down to the market as he further speculated on the uniqueness of the day. The vendors' carts were just a few blocks from his home, and he was there in no time at all, picking fruit from stalls, but no closer to discovering what made today so incomparable.

      And then he saw her, down the street, paying a merchant for some dates. A vision, a raven haired beauty, a spark upon his soul. As she turned and brushed her hair from her eyes of jade, all the strange wonderful color of this day seemed dull. Sammu now knew what made this morning this way, and it was her.

     Sammu raced after her as she left the market. His heart halted with fear every time he lost sight of her around a corner or amongst the crowd, and he struggled to hurry and catch her. Eventually she turned down an empty street, and as Sammu ducked around the corner she was less than a block away.

      He rushed to her, and time seemed to slow as he entered the trail of he lilac perfume. It was overwhelming and intoxicating, and he felt weak against it, but he spurred himself onward. She walked slowly, but still it felt an eternity to catch her.

      Yet finally he did. Sammu caught her arm and turned her about. Her skin, like undisturbed cream, her lips like pink spring blossoms. Time froze entirely for Sammu, lost in the beauty before him.

      He was awoken by her scream. Her terrified cries echoed down the street and Sammu saw two guardsmen rushing towards them. Suddenly he was running again. He cursed himself for being so foolish, for being transfixed into stupidity.

      A few wrong turns, and Sammu found himself cornered. His attempts to explain fell of deaf ears as the beat and shackled him. Guards had no love for men who preyed on young maidens. As they drug him away, Sammu thought he saw her, staring after him.

The Runner

      Rain fell cold and sharp upon my face as I ran. The downpour was heavy, yet the winded whipped it back and forth effortlessly, slamming waves into me from every directing. Still, I ran, faster than I ever had, harder than I thought I could. Listening for sounds behind me, I heard naught but the splashing thud of my own feet on pavement. Perhaps he gave up pursuit, maybe I had outpaced him and was free, but I dare not look back.

      Fear powered my steps as I turned downhill, toward downtown. I leaned forward, letting gravity lend speed to my gait. My decent was rapid, beyond the potential of my limbs, and I risked hope. Surely I was free of him. There was no way he could keep up such a race.

      I slid across the hood of a parked car as I departed the main roadway and dashed down a footpath. It was dark and narrow, and a longer route to town, but I hoped it would escape his gaze. I squinted, from the rain and dark, and struggled to see the path. As the trail flattened out, I ventured a glance back. As best as I could see, the void behind was vacant his presence.

      Misstep in this moment turned relief to agony. I tumbled forward, hitting face with pavement. The crack of cartilage, a sickening sinking of my nose deeper into my face, and an accompanying gush of hot and thick blood down throat and face. I gurgled a cry of pain as I scrambled back to my feet. How stupid was I? What did I hope to see in dark behind me?

      His howl pierced the night, and froze my sodden limbs. He was close, but not on the trail. Had I not been so foolish, I may have made it, but now with the stench of my blood seeping through the air, he would have no difficulty finding me.

      Willing my chilled appendages back in to motion, I hurdled down the trail. Vomiting blood in each distressed breath, I knew my pace was slowed. I heard crashing through the brush on my left, maybe twenty meters in. He was upon me, and with fresh adrenaline coursing through my body, I spurred myself faster. I could see the light of the main roadway ahead, freedom from the dark.

      I stepped into the light as I heard the last snapping of brambles. He was free the slowing harassment of the briar, and another victorious howl shattered the night. I scrambled down the street. The town center was close, though what hope I had of finding aide in time had all but faded. The rhythmic clacking of his claws on concrete behind me was deafening, and tears of desperation mixed into the rain on my face.

      Heart pounding in my throat, I entered the central plaza. Slipping on a downward ramp, I slid forward on my arms, fraying flesh from bone, wrist to elbow. Slamming face first into the brick of the square below, my strength left me. Water cascaded down the ramp and crashed over my exhausted heap. I rolled onto my back and looked up to the form of my pursuer.

      His towering silhouette leered at me from the top of the incline. Torso heaving as he drew breath, he just stood and stared. Rain dripped from his muzzle, and the streetlamps illuminated his hideous expression, somewhere between snarl and smirk. His massive finger-like talons clenched into an inhuman fist as his sniffed the air, savoring the sweet metallic stench of my blood pooling in the water around me.

     He stepped down toward me, taking his time, enjoying the sight of my broken, frozen form lay helpless before him. I gurgled pleas of mercy as he approached, but words caught in my throat amongst the coagulated blood and terror.  He bent over my body, to look into my face, to find final satisfaction before ending me.  I choked on the pungent musk of his mane as he lifted my head to meet his gaze, his yellow eyes narrowing as they stared into mine.  Victory was finally his. I shut my eyes tight, quivering in uncontrollable trepidation.

      There was a moment, waiting for the kill, waiting for death, a moment stretched for an eternity, interrupted by the muffled clamor of men and feet. I opened my eyes and my predator was gone, replaced by two policemen and a flashlight in my face. They spoke to me, something I could not understand as I drew new breath.

      “Can you hear me, son? What happened? Are you alright?” one asked again, urgent and worried.

      “I don't think so,” I replied. The rain drizzled to a stop.