This is me

    If you have been reading my blog at all, you have probably put together that I have gone through a split, a major upheaval that has changed my life in many ways.  You are also probably aware of how I have striven to learn and grow through this, if only about who I am.  
    You may also be aware I am working on a novel.  A narrative of specific events, fictionalized just enough to protect peoples’ identities, and create a more smooth, seamless story.  
    I say all this first because between the blog and the book, I have spent a near unhealthy amount of time focused on the destruction of my marriage.  I know all people going through such things do, but as I’ve chronicled my thoughts and emotions, I’ve noticed three key changes over the past ten months.
    First, about three months after it all began, was the decision that I was no longer willing to be with her.  This was difficult for me, in so many ways, and remained so until the second key change.  I battled back and forth for so long over the thoughts of redemption, my love for her that did not and will not die, and perhaps a bit of a saviour complex.  I think I suffered most and learned the least during this time, but it was necessary.
    It was probably another three or four months, around April, that the second change happened.  This time, one of the heart.  The realization that I was a better man without her.  I had wrapped so much of my self and identity into being the perfect husband, that I hadn’t realized how lacking as an individual I had become.  Early on, I was pleased and blessed to find myself surrounded by friends I didn’t know I had, but I didn’t understand why they chose me.  Perhaps it sounds stupid or self deprecating, but I always considered myself the “lesser” of the two in the relationship, and so I didn’t pursue my dreams/interests/hobbies.  At all.
    Once I realized this, truly believed it, it was an explosion of excitement.  I felt generally happy most days, and fulfilled in way I had never been before.  And these feelings led me to the third change shortly after.
    I did not want to be with her.
    The difference in willing and wanting here is paramount. Up until this point, I still wanted her.  I wanted to go back in time and fix it all, see her still by my side.  Yet after this change, I realized something critical.  She did not love me, ever.  She had been obsessed and infatuated.  I don’t think she has ever truly loved anyone.  When you love someone, you want to see them grow.  You want to nurture their talents, see them chase their passions.  You do for them and celebrate in them as I did and celebrated for her.
    It was a heartbreaking realization, to be perfectly honest.  It sent me reeling back for days, and does still, on occasion.  I have never been loved.  I try to remind myself that this isn’t a question of deserving, but still I feel like I have been robbed in a way.  Even though it was never mine, I feel like this love has been taken away from me now, amended out of the history books.  Lost to me forever.
    The knowledge of this difference though, is a gift to me.  I realize now how often people go without love.  When we settle for affection, lust, or fascination.  All these things can, and hopefully will, exist in a relationship, but absent the love, they fade and die.
    Love does not.  Love is what lets me say to this day that she is a beautiful person, with incredible potential, and is worthy of good things.  She has made poor decisions, hurt many people, and has a lot of work and growth to do before she is capable of loving someone back, but she is no less worth it than any of us.  We are all lost to this existence.  We all hurt ourselves and each other in some way.  Love is what allows us to endure it.
    I feel like I have descended into a rich valley that is now my life, my possibilities.  I’ve scaled this treacherous mountain and arrived on the other side with lessons aplenty.  Now, and only now, have I taken shape.  I know what values make up me, I know what qualities I value in others.  A strange, strong confidence has taken hold, that makes me not afraid to say, “This is me.”