Standing on my balcony, half way through my cigarette, I realized something. Something powerful, strong enough to cause change and shape in my life. I am no longer afraid.
I was afraid to lose someone I loved who did not love me. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid that in the solitude I would completely disappear. To each of these fears, an opposition has surged up in me, and I see now that I am excited to find someone who loves me, I am in no way alone, and in the darkest nights and loneliest moments I am more sure of who I am than I ever was by her side.
It is sad to think of someone’s love as poison, a toxin that kept me dazed and still, but with it now out of my body I feel free, unshackled and unlimited. As the numbness fades from my limbs, I know you were not the sole beauty in my life. Rather, I have been surrounded by it for so long and neglected to see it. The mischievous flicker in a friend’s eye, the quirky laugh of a stranger on the street, the warmth of someone’s arms embracing me, these are the things I shut out, but I should have celebrated every day. I let myself be isolated in effort to be nearer to another, and as I write it I snicker at the absurdity of this action.
Life is bold, bright and beautiful. Life is cold, dark and scary. Life is a whirlpool of events and emotions, and I want to bear witness, to experience it all. I might not be able to understand it all, or know why any of it is happening, but I will work and fight everyday to see and know as much as I can. This is the world I live in, and there is no escape. Escape is the last thing I want now. Give me life, world. Good, bad, love, hurt, birth, death, lust, loneliness. I will live as only I can. I will see and feel what cannot be told.
Some will laugh, some will cry, but this is what I want in my life, and only I can know what is right for me. This is what I was meant for, and you will just have to take my word for it.
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