The Longest Night

    What to feel?  Should I feel more now than I do?  I think that I should, but hollowness prevails, my wall is up, and I am truly afraid to let it down.
    You return, with a desire to try, a want to see this through.  Bitterness soaks through me, and I marinate in it.  Why now, why so late, why after all this time and damage?  You pushed to the very brink, the the final moment of redemption, tempting fate and patience.  It will never be harder than now, the test will never be greater.  I try and prepare myself, but part of me laughs at this internal pep talk.  How can you prepare for this?
    I do still feel strong, I know what I want, what I need, and who I am now fighting to be.  I know you are in this moment not that, but I know you could be.  Will you succeed?  Will you fight for yourself and me, harder than you fought to break it?  The idea of this struggle pales to reality.  A seemingly impossible task, but one necessary for growth, redemption, and forgiveness.  I feel I ought to do more, that I should have something more than acceptance to arm you with, but it is all I have now.
    I accept you, what you have done, the reality of our situation, and welcome you home.  It will be your actions and growth that determine if I can ever forgive, trust, or feel affection for you again.  I feel as if I finished a long, painful wait, only to discover I was waiting for a longer one.  Is what I am waiting for worth it, I certainly believe so; but it is not a wait for you.  It is a fight, a battle of greater immensity than you have ever been willing to face before.
    I wish I could know, and tell you it will succeed.  For you now, I know importance is in this new willingness to fight.  To finally stand up and say “I want better, I deserve it”.  I can hope for your victory, I can comfort, and be here, but beyond that, I am powerless.  This war that rages is yours alone.  An internal battle for your heart, soul and peace.  If you can win, you will be the beauty I have always seen, and I will celebrate.  Should you fail, it will be a new heartbreak, a darkening of good, a candle going out in the night.
    So how do I prepare?  How do I act and feel in this?  You bring with you a feeling of loss, of panic and anxiety.  I will cling to strength I have found, to passion I am fostering, and hope we can weather your storm together.