Joyous Days

    Today has every reason to be a joyous day.  Four years ago today, I married a woman I love.  I cherished her, celebrated her successes, mourned her losses.  She consumed my thoughts all the time.  She was my lover, my best friend, and my beautiful bride.
    Yet today is not a joyous day.  It is funny, as reading back I have never really said why I’m not with this woman I've written so much about.  About eleven months ago, I discovered she was having an affair.  An affair with a man I had voiced concerns about for months.  She deliberately pulled away from me for months before the affair began, and though I fought for her as best as I could for months following, she refused to give him up and work on our marriage.
    Today, it feels like so much longer than a year has passed.  My own personal growth this past year has left me feeling ancient.  I am often surprised at how bold, confident, thoughtful and peaceful I have become out of loss and heartbreak.  I don’t even really know how.  I feel like where I began plus what happened should have left me a curled up, bawling, snot faced wretch.  And it did, for the first few months.
    I’ve grown, and moved on.  New possibilities excite me, and dreams about my own life without her take shape.  Wondrous, yet somehow they feel achievable.  For the first time in my life I really believe all those people that told me I could be whatever I want to be.
    The sad fact of the day, however, is this.  I still love her.  Maybe it is how I’m wired, maybe I’m still a fool, but I love forever.  Despite all that she did to me, I want the very best for her, and I know I always will.  There is no room in my heart for hate.
    Looking forward, sorrow peels away and the sky looks bright.  I have my life to live now, and I have love to give to someone, someday, who can return it.